Healing The Undermothered

Overcoming Parental Wounds And Finding Your True Self

Many of us are secretly (or not so secretly) unsatisfied with what we got from our mothers, and resentful that —whether their fault or not—they failed to provide important aspects of what we needed. And we’re paying the price.

- The Emotionally Absent Mother

If you grew up with an emotionally absent, immature, or abusive mother, I highly recommend checking out the book The Emotionally Absent Mother. Author Jasmin Lee Cori, a psychotherapist who specializes in working with adults who experienced childhood abuse and neglect, does an incredible job of validating the experiences many of us silently carry.

One of the most powerful ideas I’ve taken away from it is that if you were undermothered, many of the internal struggles you experience in adulthood, perhaps even all of them, can be traced back to that early experience.

When we accept that all roads lead back to our relationship with our primary caregiver—be it our mother, father, or any other stand-in—it frees us from spending time on the why and allows us to focus entirely on the how—as in, how do I move past it?

Even if we don’t share it with anyone else—since many will dismiss our experience by telling us to stop ‘blaming’ our parents and take personal responsibility—we can still tell ourselves: Of course I’m like this. Of course I struggle with anxiety, loneliness, or people-pleasing. Of course I have a hard time connecting with others, practicing self-care, or truly loving myself. Of course I am the way I am—how else could I be, having had the experiences and parenting that I did?

Because if that’s true, and I’m meant to have ended up this way—just as most people would under the same circumstances—I can finally let go of the guilt and shame I constantly place on myself and instead use that energy to examine the parts of myself that no longer serve me and take practical steps to change them.

What have been thought of as personal defects can then be linked to mothering deficits, relieving self-blame.

- The Emotionally Absent Mother

Whether those steps involve creating better habits (Atomic Habits), undertaking inner child work (No Bad Parts) or building meaningful love for myself (Who You Were Meant To Be), once I validate my upbringing to myself, I can release the self-doubt that’s been holding me hostage and begin valuing my own authentic experience over the one my parents, and society, try to impose on me.

When I let go of the guilt of 'blaming' my parents and recognize that what I’m actually doing is connecting with my truest Self and learning to trust it, I can create the emotional space for true healing to take place. It is only from this space that I can move forward, no longer bound by what I lacked, but empowered by what I now have the ability to give myself: a sense of worth that isn’t dependent on others, a love that is steady and unconditional, and the freedom to become the person I was always meant to be.

---

---

Hello friend, thank you so much for taking time out of your day to read my article, it really means a lot to me! If it resonated with you, I suspect you’ll find great value in the Emotionally Immature Parents Intensive, a course I created in collaboration with Dr. Lindsay C. Gibson, author of the best-selling book Adult Children Of Emotionally Immature Parents.

Dr. Gibson has been an incredible source of wisdom and validation in my own healing journey, and I am certain that through this course she can be that for you as well. 💛