When Mother Is There But Far Away
Healing From The Emotionally Absent Mother
I recently spoke with Jasmin Lee Cori, psychotherapist and author of The Emotionally Absent Mother and accompanying workbook Healing from an Emotionally Absent Mother, about what happens when we feel emotionally disconnected from our mother.
Here are three things she told me that really resonated.
It’s not just mother, and it’s not about blame.
Jasmin was clear that this work isn’t about finding fault, but about understanding what it is we’re dealing with as adults trying to heal. “Mother” is used because it’s typically our closest connection and the person we’re most reliant on, but that doesn’t absolve fathers of responsibility, and the word can be used interchangeably with anyone meant to nurture us and keep us safe. The goal is to understand what happened, what was missing, and how it shaped us, so we can finally eliminate the subconscious belief that our wounds are our fault.
The default for a child is it must be me. That’s the big trap to learn how to sidestep.
What Do You Feel?
When I asked Jasmin what someone would see in themself if they were raised by an emotionally absent mother, she pointed out that it wouldn’t be what they’d see, but what they’d feel.
You feel more alone. You feel more unsupported, feel unseen, feel lonely, feel a deep grief, don’t know that you’re loved. Wonder what’s wrong with you.
As to what it may have looked like during childhood,
It will look like mother is kind of not all here and not engaged with every part... maybe schooling is important to her, or your appearance, but other things she’s totally uninvolved with. Doesn’t even know your friends, doesn’t know what you like and what you don’t like…
Which means many of us will be left with just a feeling—that something is missing—without knowing exactly what it is.
Trust What Comes Up
In speaking of her own abuse by her father, which she had no conscious memory of until she was 40, Jasmin pointed out that in many cases, the more traumatic your childhood, the fewer memories you have. Her advice for anyone experiencing emerging memories later in life is to trust what comes up.
The memories are true to something. Even though memory is not a perfect snapshot—you could combine elements and you could distort elements—the tracks of the memories, meaning the impacts in your life of whatever kind of trauma we’re talking about, you’re not making those up.
She went on to say,
Give yourself some space to hold that this is your experience right now. This is what’s coming up. And just try to be curious and have support around you, because it’s very disruptive. Try not to put yourself on the witness stand. ‘Oh, how do you know that? Where’s the proof?’ Just accept this is somehow part of your unconscious.
Healing Is Active
When your foundation is not strong, you’re going to see it in relationships. You kind of desperately hunger for love and attention... Now, does that mean that you’re forever limited? I would say no. But the foundation changes because you rebuild it. It’s not just a matter of in time that fades away.
In contrast to conventional wisdom, time does not heal all wounds. Self love, a feeling of inner safety, the ability to meaningfully connect to others – all these have to be built from the ground up when you didn’t feel them in childhood. But that’s okay, because we all have the ability to heal, and it’s never too late. As Jasmin writes in one of my favorite passages from The Emotionally Absent Mother.
The good news is that the deficits of inadequate mothering can be made up for later—maybe not completely, but more significantly than we usually dare to hope.
If you’d like to hear Jasmin Cori explain why ‘not completely,’ and discuss how she means ‘more significantly than we dare to hope,’ you can watch our full interview below:
Links & Resources
Join the Academy Of Self Help Community
Join our free WhatsApp group chat
Read my book As Far As I Can Tell
Take the Healing From Emotionally Immature Parents course with Dr. Lindsay C. Gibson, author of Adult Children Of Emotionally Immature Parents
“doesn’t know what you like and what you don’t like…”
Before I cut contact in my 40s, my mum went through a number of years of buying me gifts relating to things that *I’d told her* at various times I didn’t like, but that she wanted me to like:
- notebooks, totes and other items with my name on (I’ve always hated my first name)
- house plants (don’t like them and can’t keep them alive)
- delicate necklaces and large-faced watches (not my style/uncomfortable to wear)
- chain-strap handbags and clutch bags (have never liked and never used them)
- adult craft kits (didn’t even like craft as a kid)
- sheep-themed stuff (sheep were my favourite animal in my teens; told her in adulthood I wasn’t really interested in them anymore, she ignored me)
I can’t help feeling that she had a version of me in my head that she wanted, so she was trying to remake me in that image. She was always seriously disinterested and disappointed in who I actually am as a person though tbh. I’m not the daughter she wanted.
I will be 76 next week. I am so afraid that I will never have the time to recover and manage to live a normal happy life, preferably with a partner to love me. My mother hated me and has ruined my life, but I only found out why and how 6 months ago - soooooo very sad.