The Most Painful Books I’ve Ever Read
5 books that tore my soul apart (before putting it back together again)
If you’re someone who prefers to read light and easy self help books, I recommend you stop reading right now, because this list is most definitely not for you. For everyone else, here are my picks for the most gut-wrenching books I know.
While replying to a recent post by psychotherapist Eliza Butler, I quoted one of my favorite books: No Bad Parts. Along with the recommendation, I added a warning:
This got me thinking - what other books fall into this category, simultaneously ripping your internal world apart while helping build you back up better than before?
And so, here is that list now - the five books that sent me on an emotional rollercoaster of epic proportions. Each of which, I believe, has the power to completely change your life. Let’s begin with the book that inspired this article.
No Bad Parts
I’m not ashamed to admit that I shed tears while reading all of the books on this list other than the last one (more on that in a moment). But the only book that made me BAWL MY EYES OUT (and do so multiple times) was No Bad Parts.
The first time it hit me was while I was sitting in a community-center gym as my son and his friend played basketball. If you’ve ever wondered how uncomfortable it would be to unsuccessfully try to choke down tears at your local gym on a random Sunday afternoon, let me assure you: very.
No Bad Parts is an exploration of Internal Family Systems (IFS) - a type of therapy that believes every part of our psyche has a positive intent, even if its actions seem counterproductive at times. And while the philosophical side of the book - learning why we do the things we do - is fascinating in its own right, it’s the accompanying transcripts of author Richard Schwartz modelling the approach with real life people as they experience breakdowns of their own that will really rock you.
I feel confident in saying that anyone who applies the questions and visualizations that Schwartz demonstrates in No Bad Parts to their own inner children (yes, plural!) is highly like to experience the type of deep spiritual impact that we all look for in self help books but so rarely find.
But as I stated in the original post, make sure to tread carefully, because this book is no joke!
Man’s Search For Meaning
In the same way that No Bad Parts will drag you to the depths of your own pains, Man’s Search For Meaning will take you to the deepest misery humanity has ever seen.
Incredibly, author Viktor Frankl wrote Man’s Search For Meaning mere months after being liberated from a three-year imprisonment in the German death camps of WWII, completing it in the span of just 9 days!
In my opinion, Man’s Search For Meaning is the greatest literary juxtaposition of the horrors of humanity and the beauty of the human spirit. When you read the often nauseating descriptions of the depths of suffering Frankl was subjected to each and every one of the more than a thousand days he was in captivity, it’s hard to imagine how anyone could have enough physical or emotional spirit left to act in service of others - and in reading the accounts of other survivors (Primo Levi’s in particular), it’s clear that very few people did. However, that’s exactly what Frankl managed to do, finding reserves of selflessness that, statistically speaking, not many of us would.
Any time I’m having a day when I feel particularly depleted, I picture Frankl spending months upon months working in blistering German-winter storms under the most horrifying conditions imaginable and remind myself that, through it all, he was somehow able to sustain enough spirit to support new prisoners upon their arrival at the camps - the time when they were most vulnerable to losing the will to live. That image helps fill me with deep gratitude for whatever share of human suffering has been allotted to me, and reminds me of just how resilient we humans truly are.
Adult Children Of Emotionally Immature Parents
There is only one book about which I've been told over and over again, 'I had to stop reading it every few pages because it was too hard,' and that book is Adult Children Of Emotionally Immature Parents. This does not surprise me in the least, as it was my exact experience with it too.
If you were raised by abusive or neglectful parents, the first few chapters of Adult Children Of Emotionally Immature Parents will destroy you in the best possible way. The manner in which psychologist Dr. Lindsay Gibson describes both the inner and outer experiences of a child of emotionally immature parents will leave you jaws dropped, eyes leaking and spread wide open, wondering how the heck a complete stranger you’ve never met knows every single thing about not just your life, but who you thought you were at your core.
As part of our work in the Academy, I’ve been gloriously fortunate to have the opportunity to build a personal relationship with Dr. Gibson and I could not even begin to express how authentically amazing of a human she really is. It’s no exaggeration to say that the validation she has gifted a generation of wounded children-turned-parents through Adult Children Of Emotionally Immature Parents will be felt for many more to come. As someone who thinks about the meaning of it all far too often, I can’t imagine a greater legacy than that.
PS. If you want to learn who you actually are, read Dr. Gibson’s first book - one of my favorites of all time.
The Choice
It feels a little bit like cheating to include a second book about survival in 1940s Germany - after all, there likely aren’t many stories about the immense suffering that took place there that wouldn’t tear you up - but with The Choice, Dr. Edith Eger - now a world renowned psychotherapist - paints a picture as inspiring as it is heartbreaking.
Of the countless livestreams I’ve hosted reading from self help books, there was only a single time I ever chocked up on the air - reading about Dr. Eger’s guilt over her first moments at the camps as a 16 year old, where she was separated from her mother for the final time. I won’t spoil the pain for you, but if heartbreak and mother wounds are your thing, this book will destroy you first, then fill you back up with incredible insights into forgiveness and resilience.
When The Body Says No
In contrast to the other books on this list, Gabor Mate’s When The Body Says No is painful in a Scared Straight sort of way rather than an emotional one. In presenting an anxiety-inducing collection of scientific studies and heart-wrenching personal stories, Mate hammers home the thesis of the book over and over again: if you spend your life suppressing your emotions - most notably, anger - your body will eventually rebel, manifesting as chronic illness, disease, and ultimately, an unenviable death.
For those who routinely prioritize other people’s well-being at the expense of their own, When The Body Says No will be the terrifying wake up call your body has likely been begging for through unresolved autoimmune issues and “phantom” illnesses that doctors have been unable to solve.
If reading the first 4 books on this list feels like receiving lessons from compassionate teachers, When The Body Says No reads more like a well-meaning prison guard yelling in your face that it’s time to shape up…or else.
So regardless of which of these books you choose to read (first), please accept this final plea to wade in gently and do so with a support system in place - be it with the guidance of a good therapist or a community like ours. Because if there’s one thing all five books have in common, it’s their ability to cut you right to the core, pushing you out of your comfort zones and into the sometimes terrifying places where true healing takes place. As a fan of self-help books, I wouldn’t want it any other way.
PS. What book did I miss that should be included in part 2 of this list? Let me know in the comments below.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Hi, I’m Will. You can find me building the Academy Of Self Help. If you’re someone who likes to read self-help books and loves to talk about why we are the way we are, we should probably be friends.
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brb adding to my cart rn thank youuu