There Are Only Lazy Parents
What a Netflix documentary will teach you about discipline, parenting, and life
There is this documentary show on Netflix called Receiver in which John Brown, two-time Mr. Universe and father of NFL superstar Amon-Ra St. Brown, is reflecting on how he taught all three of his sons (two of which have now made it to the pros) the value of discipline and hard work, getting them into the gym by the age of 9.
Usually, when I hear stories like that, I can’t help but imagine the horrors of an overly strict or emotionally immature parent. However, in watching Receiver it’s clear from the family’s energy and the way in which they tell their stories that Mr. Brown managed to successfully navigate the sometimes thin line between being a dictator and a dad.
One thing the elder Brown said really struck me:
There’s no such thing as a lazy kid, only a lazy parent.
And although it’s important to note that there are also overwhelmed parents, dysregulated parents, and parents just trying to hold on - as well as depressed kids, neurodivergent kids, and kids living within a trauma response - the point Brown was making is that so long as it’s accompanied by empathy, connection, and an honest focus on the child’s best interest, it is the parent’s responsibility to ensure their child acquires the type of discipline that will benefit them throughout their lives - even, and especially, when it’s hard.
And while Brown chose to teach his children those lessons through discipline of the body, no doubt impacting the discipline of mind in the process, I chose the more direct route with my own son, teaching him discipline of thought since he was just a little child.
Looking back at own childhood now, I can’t say my father taught me much of anything that I didn’t pick up through my own observations of him. There were no motivational speeches, no quotes of wisdom that will echo through our lineage, and most definitely no guidance on how to deal with the many thoughts, feelings and fears that are present in every child. There was simply an unvocalized sense of watch how hard I work and then do the same. If you don’t, or can’t, there must be something wrong you, so you better sort it out.
And so I did.
First by studying how children develop while completing my Bachelor of Education, then in learning how the adult mind works while earning a Diploma of Professional Counseling, and finally by reading hundreds of books on self healing and personal development so that I could learn how to analyze my own specific mind and better optimize it.
Thinking about Mr. Brown’s comment, I’m transported to a hospital delivery room 11 years ago, my eyes locked with my son’s as he lay on my lap looking up at me as aware and alert as any newborn I’ve seen. I knew then that I would not repeat the mistakes of my father and leave him to figure it all out on his own. I would do my best, so long as he would let me, to share with him everything I think I know.
It began simply enough, with me talking to him about whatever self-help book I was reading at the time while he happily sucked his soother on the bed next to me - eyes wide open, following every motion of my mouth.
Over the decade that has passed since, we spent many evenings discussing both his inner and outer experiences, as well as the power each of us has to dictate the amount of value and insight we squeeze out of all our experiences, good and bad alike.
Tucking him in to bed became our gym. The happenings of his day became the weights we used to strengthen ourselves. The difficult emotions that came up became the reps we used to develop discipline of mind.
When he felt scared of the dark, we’d talk about how creative our minds can be, and how with enough practice - enough reps - we could learn to shift the spotlight of our attention. If we no longer wanted to focus on the scary things, we could bring up images that filled us with interest and joy. Or we could find relief by paying attention to the things we could actually see, touch, hear, smell or taste.
When he was sad about what a mean kid said at school, we’d have a cuddle to let the emotion settle and then talk about how sometimes in life we meet people who aren’t very nice. We’d go through ways we could deal with similar situation in the future if it ever came up again. Sometimes we’d even think about reasons why someone people seem to just be like that - maybe someone had been mean to them too and they had nobody around to help them deal with those feelings.
Whatever situation came up, whatever challenge presented itself, we work together to uncover the lessons hiding there and see if we could use them to live happier and “funner” lives.
And if you’re thinking, my kid would hate that, or there’s no way they would listen to me, you’re most likely right about that…sometimes. Which is where John Brown’s insight about the “lazy” parent comes in.
Because just like when hitting the gym with kids who would rather be playing video games, speaking to them about their feelings can be a Herculean challenge too. It requires that we stay regulated enough to guide them through their dysregulated times. It requires that we stay present and engaged, even when they’re not. It requires we build superhuman awareness, first of our own issues and triggers so we don’t unintentionally pass those on to them, and then of their emotional state, so that we can watch for the moments when they need us to either back off or just shut up and hug.
All that can be exhausting. In fact, it most certainly will be at times. But give it enough discipline, put in enough reps, and I promise you, the benefit – both to their ability to self-regulate, and their resilience through the inevitable ups and downs of life – will quickly become as obvious as seeing them catch a touchdown under the big bright lights.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Hi, I’m Will. You can find me building the Academy Of Self Help. If you’re someone who likes to read self-help books and loves to talk about why we are the way we are, make sure to subscribe above so we can be friends.
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