For those of us raised by emotionally immature, absent, or toxic parents, childhood can seem like a long, lonely journey. But it doesn’t have to be this way…
I've been trying to wrap my mind around how profoundly lonely I've felt my whole life. It's tough for me to come to terms with it. Being isolated was a survival strategy. Being ignored and rejected was my norm.
I am very grateful for the hard work I’ve done to craft a more curious, neutral, positive (I even sometimes tell myself i’m proud of myself!) internal dialogue bc before that began to click I thought I was stuck with those critical, fearful voices forever. If anyone reads this and thinks they are destined to be stuck in outdated, looping, limiting thought processes please know you can work to minimize them once you get curious about why they are there and what they are trying to do for you.
My internal loneliness I have come to notice as a comfort zone- a place I have always been able to trust. I used to wallow there. I’m no working on being a friend to myself and enjoying my own company. Lots of love to anyone who reads this beautifully composed, hard fought reflection and relates ❤️
Dr Gabor Mate calls those outdated voices his 'stupid friends' but that feels too harsh to me because they've worked so hard to keep me safe for decades; I call them my 'old life friends' and I've retired them in the sunshine so I can begin a new life with Kinder voices ❤️
"Talk to yourself as someone you love" those words are swimming around in my head. I can't string the words together in order. It's like playing the word-guessing classic TV game show Password with Allen Ludden. Talk as to love someone you. Start over. read it again. I'm missing a word. I close my eyes and intentionally try to string the sentence together because it impacts my injured brain.
The missing word is yourself. Talk to yourself as someone you love. I can hold onto that for super charged thought for 10 second another 10 seconds and another 10 seconds.
This is such a good piece. I would offer another dimension as well that comes from spiritual work that I am doing. Consider that prior to entering into this particular incarnation we each made contracts with entities who we asked to play certain roles to fulfill the blueprint we wanted to use to help us develop or heal or whatever goals we had. What if we asked these loving “travelling” companions to behave in a way that would cause us eventually to awaken to who we really are: magnificent and boundless beings. When I hold this thought and look back at my life, I can see so clearly how the events I experienced led to a place where I can see the why of it all. It also enables me to fully forgive not just the other actors in my particular play, but myself.
The line that hit me hardest: ‘We closed our little hearts.’ I’ve spent years unlearning that survival strategy, realizing that shutting myself off wasn’t protection—it was a cage. But the reminder that those buried parts of us are still waiting, still intact, still capable of love and connection? That gives me hope.
And the most frustrating part is when you realize that the doors of the cage are wide open! Like Don Miguel Ruiz says in The Four Agreements: Self-domestication. Those two words changed my life.
Totally resonate with this. I’ve been doing the inner work and healing the parts of me that have been buried my whole life. They have sat dormant in my body for so long - you do forget they’re there. But once you begin facing your shadows, going deep within and releasing those old wounds, suddenly you feel lighter. Happier. Inner peace.
While I KNOW there is a lot of truth to this for many people, and I enjoyed reading it, I’m proof of the exception to this. I had a deep connection with my parents, my dad in particular, but as an adult, I have struggled with anxiety and depression, leading often to feelings of loneliness even when surrounded by people who I know love me. Sometimes, there chemical crap going on…which, you know, also sucks.
Absolutely. Parental trauma doesn’t have a monopoly on anxiety and depression unfortunately. With that said, I do think we sometimes have blindspots about our parents/upbringing that may be contributing to how we feel (I sure as heck did!). The books Adult Children Of Emotionally Immature Parents and Who You Were Meant To Be (both by Dr. Lindsay Gibson) have been a great help both in uncovering stuff that was hiding and in aligning myself towards healing (the latter book is incredible for anxiety and depression regardless of where it came from!) Sending warmth your way my friend. 💛
I've been trying to wrap my mind around how profoundly lonely I've felt my whole life. It's tough for me to come to terms with it. Being isolated was a survival strategy. Being ignored and rejected was my norm.
Fortunately we have the power to give ourselves now the validation and comforting we needed then! ♥️
Aw, Anton. I send you love. I know you deserve better 💛
I am very grateful for the hard work I’ve done to craft a more curious, neutral, positive (I even sometimes tell myself i’m proud of myself!) internal dialogue bc before that began to click I thought I was stuck with those critical, fearful voices forever. If anyone reads this and thinks they are destined to be stuck in outdated, looping, limiting thought processes please know you can work to minimize them once you get curious about why they are there and what they are trying to do for you.
My internal loneliness I have come to notice as a comfort zone- a place I have always been able to trust. I used to wallow there. I’m no working on being a friend to myself and enjoying my own company. Lots of love to anyone who reads this beautifully composed, hard fought reflection and relates ❤️
Dr Gabor Mate calls those outdated voices his 'stupid friends' but that feels too harsh to me because they've worked so hard to keep me safe for decades; I call them my 'old life friends' and I've retired them in the sunshine so I can begin a new life with Kinder voices ❤️
"Talk to yourself as someone you love" those words are swimming around in my head. I can't string the words together in order. It's like playing the word-guessing classic TV game show Password with Allen Ludden. Talk as to love someone you. Start over. read it again. I'm missing a word. I close my eyes and intentionally try to string the sentence together because it impacts my injured brain.
The missing word is yourself. Talk to yourself as someone you love. I can hold onto that for super charged thought for 10 second another 10 seconds and another 10 seconds.
That paragraph is poetry Cyndy! You should be posting on Substack too! ♥️
This is such a good piece. I would offer another dimension as well that comes from spiritual work that I am doing. Consider that prior to entering into this particular incarnation we each made contracts with entities who we asked to play certain roles to fulfill the blueprint we wanted to use to help us develop or heal or whatever goals we had. What if we asked these loving “travelling” companions to behave in a way that would cause us eventually to awaken to who we really are: magnificent and boundless beings. When I hold this thought and look back at my life, I can see so clearly how the events I experienced led to a place where I can see the why of it all. It also enables me to fully forgive not just the other actors in my particular play, but myself.
Everything is as we needed it to be! ✨💛
Wow. This is such a beautiful way to look at it.
This, deeply resonate, thank you, children of emotionally immature/psychopath parents always feel alone....
But we don’t have to! ♥️
The line that hit me hardest: ‘We closed our little hearts.’ I’ve spent years unlearning that survival strategy, realizing that shutting myself off wasn’t protection—it was a cage. But the reminder that those buried parts of us are still waiting, still intact, still capable of love and connection? That gives me hope.
And the most frustrating part is when you realize that the doors of the cage are wide open! Like Don Miguel Ruiz says in The Four Agreements: Self-domestication. Those two words changed my life.
Totally resonate with this. I’ve been doing the inner work and healing the parts of me that have been buried my whole life. They have sat dormant in my body for so long - you do forget they’re there. But once you begin facing your shadows, going deep within and releasing those old wounds, suddenly you feel lighter. Happier. Inner peace.
So true! I’m so happy for you that you’re finding your way to inner peace! 💛
Such a great read. Thank you. 🫶
Thank you my friend, I appreciate that so much! ♥️
Beautifully written- down to earth, kind, and real in a way the world truly needs. Thanks for speaking to a piece of my heart today!
“Healing begins when we create that safety for ourselves, within ourselves.”
♥️♥️
I feel so seen and acknowledged by this read. Thank you ❤️
That makes me really happy to hear! Thank you! ♥️
While I KNOW there is a lot of truth to this for many people, and I enjoyed reading it, I’m proof of the exception to this. I had a deep connection with my parents, my dad in particular, but as an adult, I have struggled with anxiety and depression, leading often to feelings of loneliness even when surrounded by people who I know love me. Sometimes, there chemical crap going on…which, you know, also sucks.
Absolutely. Parental trauma doesn’t have a monopoly on anxiety and depression unfortunately. With that said, I do think we sometimes have blindspots about our parents/upbringing that may be contributing to how we feel (I sure as heck did!). The books Adult Children Of Emotionally Immature Parents and Who You Were Meant To Be (both by Dr. Lindsay Gibson) have been a great help both in uncovering stuff that was hiding and in aligning myself towards healing (the latter book is incredible for anxiety and depression regardless of where it came from!) Sending warmth your way my friend. 💛
Really powerful. Thanks.
Aww awesome! Thank you my friend, I hope you love it!
Always! “What comes out of you doesn’t make you sick, what stays in there does.” -Edith Eger